Monday, January 24, 2011

Scared &#!^less

So emotions have been hitting me hard lately. I know hard to believe that in my last trimester I am getting overly emotional. These emotions that I am feeling are new. I have been realizing that not only am I having a newborn but how that newborn is getting here. I admit that I feel cheated that I can't deliver vaginally. In know that my body would be so good at it.

Now though, I am getting nervous about having a c-section. I am ashamed to feel scared and anxious ( I am a surgical nurse after all). The last time I went through this I was exhausted from 10 hours of labor and pushing (plus drugs), I was totally out of it and don't remember the details.

This time I will be sober awake and aware of what is going on around me. I know my husband will be there but he is to put it nicely squeamish.

Another thing that will bother me is that I won't get to hold the baby, till after I am out of PACU. One of the things that I can recall is saying,

"Um....can I see my baby".

My whole family and husband got to enjoy him while I was sitting in recovery waiting for a spinal to wear off at least on hour.

Well in the end it is what is best for me and baby, and I will have a lifetime to hold and snuggle her. I just need to get over this fear.

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